Kurtofsky Drabble
by QwertyRulz
Summary: This is my "Hell naw!" to Dave/Blaine. Blaine, being Blaine, must have the attention on himself, as he is the hero of every story! He's the alpha-gay! So what if Dave gets hurt, if he gets Kurt in the end? (summary is almost full of lies, but fitting) EXTREMELY anti-Klaine and SOOO Blaine unfriendly. Kurtofsky, ftw. M/M, Don't like? Don't read.


Dave licked his lips nervously as he leaned in to kiss Blaine. This was it. Blaine and he were going to kiss in front of Kurt to prove they were in love. Kurt was a skeptical earlier, but this would prove it.

*:･ﾟ✧FLASHBACK BEGIN*:･ﾟ✧

_Kurt scoffed at Dave. "You cannot _possibly _love each other! You two _hate _each other!"_

_Dave shrugged, a big, dopey smile on his face. "Sorry, Kurt. It just...happened. You can't fight love."_

_Kurt's eyebrows arose above his nose, and Dave could have _sworn_ it was a look of concern that quickly changed when he looked at Blaine and glared. "Are you doing this to get back at me? Because that's not funny! It's mean!"_

_Blaine scoffed, "_No_! Of _course_ not! Wh—what? Kurt, you're just jealous that he's with me and you're not." Blaine wrapped his arm tighter around Dave's waist._

_Dave noticed Kurt's face went from glaring to an icy stare that seemed to penetrate both Blaine and his souls. "Fine. You know what? I'm okay. I'm happy for you! No, really. I am. Now, to prove it, kiss. That's all you have to do, and I'll completely believe you. 'SWAK' and all that."_

_Dave chuckled a bit at that. "Seriously, Kurt? We've done a _lot_ worse than—"_

"Fine_!" Blaine huffed. Dave wondered why he looked so offended and desperate. He quickly turned to Dave, a determined look on his face. "Let's just get this over with."_

_Dave wondered at his phrasing for only a second before he pushed it away. Dave licked his lips nervously as he leaned in to kiss Blaine..._

*:･ﾟ✧FLASHBACK END*:･ﾟ✧

The lean-in seemed to take forever. Sure, there was a significant height difference between he and Blaine, but he thought it was cute. The hobbit kissing the orc...okay, gross. Not a pretty thought. His eyes half-lidded, he was not an inch away from Blaine lips when suddenly, Blaine took a step back, pulling away.

"Mm. Sorry. I can't. Not to Kurt. I can't keep lying to him." Came the voice of Blaine, shame in his voice.

"WHAT?!"

It took Dave a second to realize he said that and that it was at the same time as Kurt.

"Sorry, but I love Kurt. I just did..." Blaine then pointed back-and-forth between Dave and himself, "_this_ to get Kurt to realize he loved me and we belonged together. I can't believe you didn't catch on earlier! I mean, I knew you were dumb, but this is _hilarious_!" Blaine then chortled. "Oh, Dave. If only there were someone out there who loved you." Blaine quoted.

"Blaine! I can't...see, _this_ is why I broke up with you!"

"What? No, Kurt, I broke up with you."

"You cheated on me! ...AGAIN! I mean, I forgave you the first time, but I knew I couldn't trust you after that."

"No. _You_ weren't there after my cousin died! Xavier comforted me."

"I was at the wake with you! I couldn't go to the funeral because I had an audition, which I got. I _told_ you this!"

"See?! You can't even deny you weren't there for me!"

The world was spinning around Dave. The sounds of Kurt yelling at Blaine and Blaine arguing back didn't even register. He couldn't believe this was happening. He saw red and the anger boiled up inside him. He stomped to Blaine, and picked him up by his jacket, easily lifting him off of the ground. He was about to punch him. But then he saw Kurt. Kurt's shocked face stopped him. He let Blaine go, turned, and left. He ran and ran, not knowing where he was going.

"Kurt! Did you see that?" Came Blaine's scared voice. "He threw me at you! Can you believe that..._neanderthal_ did that?! No wait...of course you can! He was your bully."

"Blaine! What the hell?! Why did you do this to me? To _Dave_?!"

"Because I wanted to show you how much we were soul mates; meant to be together, forever!"

"So, what? You were my 'knight in shining armor' or something? Get _over_ yourself! It shouldn't be that hard, you midget!"

Kurt couldn't believe Blaine would do that to Dave. No, he could and did, didn't he? He perfectly guessed that's what happened. Blaine wanted Kurt, but only as a trophy. Have his cake and eat it, too. Kurt turned and ran after Dave. He was so proud of himself for staying fit.

As Dave ran, he could hear Taylor Swift playing in his head. He was even weakly singing along between sobs and pathetic whines. That stupid song about trouble or whatever. He shook his head and shook the lie out. He knew what song it was. He knew he loved it and her.

_He was long gone_

_when he met me;_

_and now I realize_

_The joke is on me!_

He can't believe he fell so hard and so easily for that gel-helmet hobbit! Kurt's yells behind him had a minor memory of what he said about cheating. _'Of _course_ he would. He is such an attention whore.'_

_And the saddest fear..._

_Comes creepin' in..._

_That you never love me,_

_Or Kurt..._

_Or anyone..._

_Or anything!_

He was on auto-pilot, apparently, when he caught himself opening his apartment door. He burst in and tripped on himself. After he fell, hard, he kicked the door closed from his position on the floor and just started crying it all out.

Kurt kept calling after Dave. "Dave! DAVE! Dammit! _DAVE_!" _'Boy, that guy can _run_!'_ He thought to himself as he followed him up the stairs. Once they apparently go to the correct floor, something clicked in his head and he couldn't help himself. "Hey!" he yelled right before a door slammed in his face.

Kurt was _not_ having it, and burst the door open. "_I am talking to you!_" he yelled, shrilly. Kurt slammed the door shut before noticing the human-shaped pile of sadness on the floor. Something in him kept saying "keep going." So he did.

"_What_ is your _problem_?"

"I-I'm" Dave then gave a sob, "s-s-sorry," and a sniffle "K-k-kurt."

"_What_ are you so scared of?" _'Come on, Dave. Catch on, dammit!'_

"I" another sniffle, "I just..."

"_Oh_, every straight guy's nightmare, that all of us gays are out to secretly molest and convert you! Well, guess what, _ham hock_? You're _not_ my type!"

"I...wh—" another sob, "what are you talk—" Kurt saw Dave's face click in realization. "Th-that right?"

_'There we go.'_

"_Yeah_. I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are gonna be bald by the time they're 30!"

Dave actually chuckled, a small smile graced his face. "Uh...Don't...Do not push me, Fanc—Hummel."

"What, are you gonna hit me? Do it." Kurt felt a small twitch in the corner of his mouth as Dave remembered their first "interaction" at McKinley, but he put his facade back on. He had to get into this roll. He's going to NYADA, afterall!

"D-don't push me!" Dave was saying this with a laugh in his voice as he got up.

"Hit me, 'cause it's _not_ gonna change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!"

Dave's face suddenly looked...raunchy and confident. "Then," he gave a weak sob, "get _in_ my face."

"You are nothing but a" _'Screw it,'_ "man who can't handle how extraordinary you are!"

Kurt readied himself for the kiss. He felt Dave not even an inch from his face when suddenly, he was picked up by the arms. Kurt was surprised, needless to say. Dave moved them over to the couch and sat Kurt by him before giving a peck on Kurt's cheek. "Thanks, Kurt."

Kurt quickly composed himself as much as he could. "Um...y-you're welcome."

"Admit it," Dave teased with a slight sniffle, "you wanted me to kiss you!"

Kurt scoffed at that. "Of course not! I just...wanted you to think of something else."

"Uh-huh. Sure. Then why _that_ scene from our lives? Why not any time I slushied—" Kurt laughed in his head at Dave's sudden stop. Obviously, Kurt's bitch face was on. "Um...any other time?"

"Because the devastation that I felt of my ruined outfits would have made me into that heaping mess you were not 2 minutes ago." Kurt fake fainted across Dave's lap. "Not even a kiss would wake this Disney prince!"

"Oh? Not even a kiss _of true love_?" Dave joked. His sniffle was weak, and Kurt felt good knowing that Dave was doing better. "I just...I just don't understand him. Why would he do that?"

"He's a childish attention whore who preys on those who are weak and easily fall for his charms." Kurt shrugged at Dave's slightly offended look. "What? I fell for it, too!" Kurt smiled at Dave's chuckle.

"Thanks, Kurt. God, I was a wreck on that floor, wasn't I?" Dave rolled his eyes so hard, it looked like he could have lost his balance.

Kurt practically went exorcist when he rolled his eyes to the back of his head, looking at the ceiling behind him. "At least yours was shorter than mine. I was _engaged_, and it was the second time he cheated and...ugh. I was sobbing on the phone to Quinn and Mercedes for _hours_. _Hours_! It was pa-the-tic! Not even _I_ can pull off gross sobbing." Kurt felt a presence close in and looked to see Dave leaning in, and intense look on his face. "Uh...Dave? You okay?"

Dave's expression didn't waver a bit. "It's physically impossible for me to be _more_ okay. I haven't been this happy since I took off that gorilla head at Breadstix."

Kurt started leaning in, "I can't believe...that was...you who..."

"I AM TALKING TO YOU!" The shout came along with the door bursting open.

Kurt flew back onto the couch. "Ugh! You have _got_ to be kidding!"

"What is your issue with me?" Blaine, yelled.

"You're seriously cockblocking, man." Kurt chuckled at Dave.

"Oh! Every bully's worst fear! That gays want him because he's _so_ sexy!"

"Blaine! You are getting the lines wrong! If you're going to try to steal my spotlight, at least quote me right!"

"But...Kurt, I..."

Kurt picked up a pillow from the couch and threw it at Blaine. "Get out! Damn!"

"No, wait, Kurt...let's hear what he has to say."

"I...I love you, Kurt! You're my teenage dream! Why did you run after him and not kiss me in the park like it was supposed to be? WHY HIM?!" Blaine stomped his foot on each of those last two words, which was some pretty loud whining.

_'Good God, I dated that?'_ Kurt and Dave both thought, unknowingly synced.

"Yeah! We were _teenagers_, Blaine! Now we're adults! Besides, he's my _friend_ and you're my ex!" Kurt put his finger on Dave's lips when he turned toward Kurt. "Not friend-zoning you. Sh." Kurt wheeled back to Blaine. "You over-spoiled piece of rotten fruit, who thinks that the world bows to his needs because his parents can buy him whatever he wants, cheated on me TWICE—I'm not even counting Sebastian—and broke Dave's heart _right in front of me_! And then you _somehow_ turned yourself into the victim and the hero! Seriously, you are a child who cannot stand someone else being in the spotlight, happy, nor anything else! You want me, yet you go flirting with every Tom, Dick, and Jerry when we're together! If we were open? _Sure! Fine!_ But _you_ wanted us exclusive! _SO BE EXCLUSIVE!_" Kurt was heavily panting after that, and though he felt like he just ran a mile, he also felt like he lost a horrible parasite that was sucking the life out of him. "I'm _done_! _Bye_, Felicia!" He threw another pillow at Blaine when he whined a pathetic, "But Kurt!"

Dave felt as shocked as he face looked. He had never seen Kurt so forceful and honest since...well...since they shared a kiss in the locker room. He turned Kurt's face, gave a quick peck on the lips, then gently moved Kurt off of his lap and stomped at Blaine. He had a winning grin plastered on his face when Blaine shrieked in fear. He pulled up a fist and, with a powerful thrust, shoved his hand down Blaine's pocket and took the key to Dave's apartment off the key ring.

"You're going to stab me, aren't you?!" Blaine accused. "You'll be in jail for life for hurting me! I'm important!"

Dave nearly fell over from rolling his eyes at that. "Get out," he gently said, before giving a good shove to Blaine's shoulder. Throwing the rest of Blaine's keys at him, Dave gave as fake of a look of sympathy as he could muster. "I wouldn't _dare_ hurt _you_, Blainey! And like Fancy said, '_Bye_, Felicia!'" He slammed the door and turned, a smug grin of satisfaction on his face as he wiped his hands—and his life—free of Blaine. When he looked up, he saw Kurt with a mystified look on his face as he stared directly at Dave. "Uh...you okay, Kurt?"

For the few seconds between Dave finishing his question and Kurt talking, Dave felt like he did something horrifically wrong. "That..." _'Here it comes...'_ "was _hot_!"

Dave, a little dumbfounded, simply plopped down on the couch right back in his previous spot. "Ya think so, Kurt?" He said over the butterflies and nerves.

Kurt leaned over Dave's lap, "One: Call me 'Fancy.' I like that a lot. Two: Do I have to spell it out for you? Make out with me! Damn!"

Kurt didn't wait for Dave and pulled him into a strong, heated kiss. Not long after, they were tangled with each other, dry humping like animals in heat. Hands groped and kneaded, thighs surged against groins, groans erupted, knocks at the door and cries of "Kurt!" and "Dave!" were ignored, glutes quivered underneath hard-gripping fingers, zippers were undone, underwear and shirts were slipped under...

Kurt pulled away with a loud smack from their lips parting. Panting, he gave an amazed look in what he believed to be in Dave's general direction. He waited and regained his sense of being for a few seconds. "You...have a big tongue!"

Dave cleaned the line of drool that connected the two from Kurt's lip. "Wanna see what else I can do with it, Fancy?" Dave said before ducking between Kurt's legs.

"Dave! What are you do—nyeaugh..." Kurt gripped the couch, tossed his head in several ways, moaned with intense satisfaction, and for the first time in what seemed to be ages, orgasmed. Then his body was racked and overwhelmed as Dave continued. "Br-r-reathe, David!" It took all of his willpower to form even that little bit.

Dave pulled up with a loud smack and gulped, a pleased look on his face. "You like?"

"You...ev'ry...swall..." Kurt crumpled in a sigh of utter delight.

"Yup. Every drop." And in a voice that sounded like Skeletor, "It's common courtesyyy!"

"Jeez...you're, like...the gay Gene Simmons or something..."

"Yeah...I can turn it into a taco and clover it, as you felt." He picked up Kurt and carried him to the bedroom. "And don't worry. You came, and I'm a bottom. We're just gonna sleep."

And so they did. Kurt groggily watched Dave neatly fold his clothes up as if they were some priceless thing. David then stripped down to his boxer briefs, 'God, that is a huge bulge!' Dave snuggled up to Kurt, and they faded off into sleep.


End file.
